This journal's Merlin fixation goes from bad to verse...

I am proud to present the pangalactic premiere of a picaresque and provocative piece of poetry! It was written by my estimable colleague allemande and myself*, and belongs to an exciting new literary genre called Merlinnuendo. In other words, it's a Merlin fanfic in rhyming form, which contains only such traces of naughtiness as vivid imaginations might wish to perceive (hem hem).

Ye Bawdy Olde Ballad of Two Boys and Their Beasts
Authors: redscharlach and allemande
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None, apart from a possibly life-threatening quantity of double entendre.
Summary: Merlin and Arthur acquire animals, but both of them fail to notice the elephant in the room.


Ye Bawdy Olde Ballad of Two Boys and Their Beasts

Said Merlin to King Arthur: "Right,
I think we both should get
A friend to keep us warm at night.
I know! Let's buy a pet!

But something more exciting than
A puppy or a kitten!"
And Arthur, as a fighting man,
Was with this plan quite smitten:

“Your thought for once I will not mock;
I'll get an ass, you get a cock.”

They thus revived a fashion, set
By Gwen and by Morgana,
Who'd long ago contrived to get
A wren and an iguana.

But what would Arthur's subjects think
Of pets that were less girlie?
An ass can let off quite a stink
And cocks can rise too early.

Fear not! Each peasant lad and lass
Loved Merlin's cock and Arthur's ass.

There soon ensued a bit of braggin'.
Said Merlin: "My cock's scarier!"
To which replied the young Pendragon:
“Oh yeah? My ass is hairier!”

Each boasted that his beast was best
And good to go all night
But how to put this to the test?
There's one solution: FIGHT!

For twelve long rounds against the clock
It's Arthur's ass v. Merlin's cock!

By daybreak Merlin's cock was limp
And Arthur's ass felt raw
But neither beast was any wimp.
Result: a worthy draw!

On hearing of this battle grand,
The knights were so impressed
That half became cock-crazy and
The rest were ass-obsessed.

An order came from Arthur's throne:
"Stop stalking OUR pets: get your own!"

Soon herds of donkeys filled the land
And roosters in great flocks,
The town became Ass Central and
You couldn't move for cocks.

But Arthur's ass was proudly hung
Upon the crest of fame,
While praise for Merlin's cock was sung
By everyone who came.

In short, the earth is sure to rock
When royal ass meets magic cock...

FIN

* If you're wondering how the workload was divided, she was responsible for the concept, the charm and the concern for poetic metre; I did the descent into filth. So, no big surprises there.